An incessant dull ache pulsed in my hips. I moved side to side to no avail. Movement had always been my panacea, but this time it wasn’t the right remedy. New approach. I prepared a bath with water, Epsom salt and lavender. As I waited for the water to fill, I spoke to my body, saying aloud, “I love you. Hips, I love you. Uterus, I love you. Fallopian tubes, urinary tract, vagina, I love you. Colon, I love you. Liver, kidneys, pancreas, I love you too. Breasts, I love you.” I ran my hands over my body as I called to each part. “Whatever it is you want to tell me, you can. Whatever it is that needs to surface, let it arise. Whatever it is you want me to see, let me see.”
I entered the warm water. My hands hovered several inches above my womb. The lava flow from the inner earth came up through the cracks to meet me in a holy fire cleanse. I felt ocean waves enter through my feet, knees, thighs, crashing into my womb. My pointer fingers and thumbs met, creating a triangle. They became the sacred chalice, overflowing in love, and I began to circle the chalice, spiraling it towards me, creating an energy vortex. Heavenly Father merged with Mother Earth as my hands rested on my womb. I breathed in my mouth and out my mouth, like the winds of a swirling tornado, but gently, so gently.
I stepped out from my bath and placed a towel around me. I felt strange. The whirling energy from my womb was strong and it began to rise. I thought I should get in bed, but it seemed so far away and, besides, I felt like vomiting. I paused in my doorway, just for a moment, and rested my forehead on the doorframe to steady myself.
I don’t remember falling.
I remember the sliding bathroom doors clamoring, but the noise was miles away. I remember feeling settled. Yes, this was a good place to rest.
I blinked my eyes open. I saw the bottom of my toilet. I didn’t know how I got there, only that I felt completely rested. I don’t know how long I had been unconscious, lying on my bathroom floor, a few seconds maybe. It had been the deepest surrender and most fulfilling rest of my life. I slowly rose and made my way into bed. I thanked the good angel into whose arms I had fallen. It was a graceful ushering of my body to the ground. Yes, there was a dent in the metal tracking frame around the tub where the side of my skull hit, but I am quite sure my head and body had been held in feathered wings.
Once in bed, I began to wail. My womb vibrated and my cries matched the tone of my womb. Then, the next miracle happened, the great awakening; I was raped.
For these many years, I had been telling my body that I was sorry. I was the cause of its pain. My body now told me that story was bullshit. My body would hear of it no more. This was the truth: I was raped.
The survivor in me, those many years ago, could not allow me this thought. The survivor in me blocked the thought from my consciousness with a mighty shield so that I could focus on what was necessary at the time: saving my own life.
But, now, the time had come to know my truth. All of it.
I surrendered. Completely.
I had fallen into Gaia’s arms, the mother of all.
She revived me and smiled and said, “Hello, Love. Beautiful fall, but what took you so long? It wasn’t that hard, was it?”
I entered the warm water. My hands hovered several inches above my womb. The lava flow from the inner earth came up through the cracks to meet me in a holy fire cleanse. I felt ocean waves enter through my feet, knees, thighs, crashing into my womb. My pointer fingers and thumbs met, creating a triangle. They became the sacred chalice, overflowing in love, and I began to circle the chalice, spiraling it towards me, creating an energy vortex. Heavenly Father merged with Mother Earth as my hands rested on my womb. I breathed in my mouth and out my mouth, like the winds of a swirling tornado, but gently, so gently.
I stepped out from my bath and placed a towel around me. I felt strange. The whirling energy from my womb was strong and it began to rise. I thought I should get in bed, but it seemed so far away and, besides, I felt like vomiting. I paused in my doorway, just for a moment, and rested my forehead on the doorframe to steady myself.
I don’t remember falling.
I remember the sliding bathroom doors clamoring, but the noise was miles away. I remember feeling settled. Yes, this was a good place to rest.
I blinked my eyes open. I saw the bottom of my toilet. I didn’t know how I got there, only that I felt completely rested. I don’t know how long I had been unconscious, lying on my bathroom floor, a few seconds maybe. It had been the deepest surrender and most fulfilling rest of my life. I slowly rose and made my way into bed. I thanked the good angel into whose arms I had fallen. It was a graceful ushering of my body to the ground. Yes, there was a dent in the metal tracking frame around the tub where the side of my skull hit, but I am quite sure my head and body had been held in feathered wings.
Once in bed, I began to wail. My womb vibrated and my cries matched the tone of my womb. Then, the next miracle happened, the great awakening; I was raped.
For these many years, I had been telling my body that I was sorry. I was the cause of its pain. My body now told me that story was bullshit. My body would hear of it no more. This was the truth: I was raped.
The survivor in me, those many years ago, could not allow me this thought. The survivor in me blocked the thought from my consciousness with a mighty shield so that I could focus on what was necessary at the time: saving my own life.
But, now, the time had come to know my truth. All of it.
I surrendered. Completely.
I had fallen into Gaia’s arms, the mother of all.
She revived me and smiled and said, “Hello, Love. Beautiful fall, but what took you so long? It wasn’t that hard, was it?”
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