Stop Telling Me to Decide to be Healed.

Believe you’re healed, and then you are.
Say you’re healed, and then you are.
 
Who says this? Is it you?
 
Would you say this to the ocean filled with plastic?
Would you say this to the wind filled with smoke from oil refineries?
Would you say this to the soil filled with pesticides?
 
If you would not, then why would you say it to me?
 
My womb is filled with rapes my ancestors endured.
My jaw is filled with the pain of being silenced and shamed.
My thighs are filled with the residue of old curses.
 
I am not a victim. I know who I am. I am love. I have come to be me. I have come to be heaven on earth.
 
But I am not without pain. When the pain comes, thousands of knives puncture my stomach lining. When the pain comes, thousands of thoughts of how worthless I am surge through me and I cannot stop them. When the pain comes, thousands of tears fall.
 
Feel all my emotions, you say. I agree. 

I shall vomit out smoke and fire and ash clouds the world has not seen the likes of for thousands of years. It isn’t safe for you when I feel all my emotions. Not yet.

​But soon, it will be. It is being birthed.
 
The truth is whether we are healed or not healed is irrelevant.
Life is all.
 
But it is not for you to tell us to decide to be well.
I have decided this many times.
The fact is God had other plans for me.
 
When I cry, the earth cries.
When She is on fire, I am on fire too.
When I sink under the weight of ancient curses, She sinks too.
 
When She creates waterfalls, I play in them.
When I rise from my ashes, She sends rain to wash my dusty hair.
When She sends ancient curses back to hell, I dance.
 
I say, Goddess has other plans for me.