Kirstyn Lazur
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Kirstyn Lazur
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The Healthiest Woman of All

11/7/2015

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There once was a woman who was the healthiest woman in all the land.  She ate organic kale every day.  She had her shot of wheatgrass.  She juiced every morning.  She never ate red meat.  She only ate the white of her free range, organic egg.  Then, when they said it was beneficial to eat the yellow, she ate the yellow.  Then she gave up eggs all together because you never did know what those free ranging eggs got into. 

She steamed her veggies.  Then, she ate them raw.  She drank 3.25 liters of filtered water everyday from glass jars.  No coffee.  No sugar.  No chemical preservatives.  No GMO.  No saturated fats.  No hydrogenated fat.  No trans fat.  Just one fat avocado per week.  

Midday, she ate salads.  Every night, she ate raw veggies.  Every morning, she pooped a kale-green poop.   

She went to every health conference and read every health book.  When it was time for the Pescetarian diet, she went Pescetarian.  When it was time for the Paleo diet, she went Paleo.  When it was time to be vegan, she went vegan.  When it was time to be Macrobiotic, she went Macro.  When it all got too expensive, she went micro. 

She went to her health screening, as she did every year.  It was her favorite day of the year.  She loved to hear about her low cholesterol.  She loved to hear about her low blood pressure.  And she especially loved to hear about her low body fat percentage.  She smiled as the doctor told her all about her perfect numbers and she couldn’t wait to tell all of her friends.  She began to gather her things and be on her way.

​“Wait,” said the doctor.  “There is just one more thing.”

“What is it?” she asked, glowing with eager anticipation.  She thought there was one more perfect number. 

“You have cancer.”

“What?  How could that be?  I’ve done everything perfectly!  Cancer is not possible!”

“Well you have it.  It is right here and here and here.”  The doctor pointed to her CT Scans and her MRIs indicating the little black dots right there and there and there. 

She stomped out of the doctor’s office and went food shopping.  She bought Twinkies and Ring Dings and Burgers and French Fries and a Dairy Queen Frosty Chocolaty Shake.  She came home and ate it all. 

“All that healthy eating was for nothing!” she grumbled.

High on sugar, she began to hallucinate.  She saw spiraling  chocolate and vanilla cones.  She saw dancing Milky Ways and singing BLTs.  Maybe she was dying.  Then down from the sky, a little angel came and fluttered its wings right before her very eyes. 

“Am I dead?” the healthiest woman asked.

​“No, not yet,” said the angel.

“Why do I have cancer when I did everything right?”

“There are no guarantees.  Death comes to all eventually.”

“But I had perfect numbers!”

“Yes, you did.  But cancer can grow in places where you didn’t speak out.  Cancer can be in the parts of you where there is anger still bottled up and locked away.  And sometimes cancer just happens.”

These words were quite a shock for the healthiest woman.  She woke up.  She felt the areas of cancer.  There were cancer cells marking a time she had said “yes” when she wanted to say “NO!”  And there! Yes, right there was a black lump to mark when she stayed silent when she should have screamed out.  She opened her mouth wide and years of “No!”poured out .  Then she let out another cry, an offering to the unknown.  And the cry went on and on and on throughout all space and time.  And when she was done with that cry, she called her friends to tell them the good news. 

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Three Yellow Bowls

11/1/2015

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Once upon a time there lived a grandmother who had three grandchildren whom she loved very much and every time they came to her house she would cook a wonderful meal.  The grandchildren loved their grandmother’s cooking.  But they especially loved it when nighttime came and the TV was turned on and their grandmother asked, “Would anyone like some potato chips?”  All at once they shouted, “Yes! Yes!”   And then  the three grandchildren were each given a yellow bowl with potato chips and these were the most delicious potato chips of all.  

When they went home, they craved those potato chips.  But their mothers told them, “Ah yes, I remember eating those chips when I was young like you.  I can give you chips if you wish, but they will not nearly be as delicious as the ones your grandmother gives you.”

“Why not?” the children asked.

“Because your grandmother has three magical yellow bowls that she fills with chips.  It is the bowl that makes the potato chip so delicious.  You will just have to wait to spend a night at your grandmother’s house.”

The children eagerly awaited their next visit to grandmother’s so they could eat chips from the magic bowls.
Eventually, the children grew to be adults and they went to far away lands on quests of their own.  Every time they had a potato chip they were disappointed.  It just wasn’t as good as the ones in the magic yellow bowl.  

“Those chips had just the right amount of salt,” thought one grandchild.

“Those chips had just the right amount of crunch,” thought the other.

“Those chips had just the right amount of greasy goodness,” thought the other.

They sighed a simultaneous sigh though they were millions of miles apart in lands far away.  

One day they returned to their grandmother’s house, but it was not the same.  Grandmother’s house was smaller.  Grandmother’s kitchen cabinets were smaller.  Grandmother herself was smaller.  

“Grandmother,” they asked.  “Can we have some of your chips?”

“Of course you can!”

She was so delighted to see them and to feed them again.

But when she put out the chips, they came in one big silver bowl.

“Where are your three yellow bowls?” the grandchildren asked.

“Oh well now… I don’t know where they ended up.  A lot has changed since you’ve been gone.”
​
They each took a bite from a chip of the silver bowl, hoping that it might taste the same.  It didn’t.  It tasted nothing like the chips from the magic yellow bowls.

“But I thought those bowls were magical grandmother, how could you part from them?”

​“Magic bowls come and magic bowls go.  Big houses come and big houses go.  Beloved people come and beloved people go.  I am left alone.  Now you are here, but you will go.  Now I am here, but one day I will go.  Yes, grandchildren, bowls come and bowls go, naught but love remains.”
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