Many, many years ago, I knew Divine Union. It lived inside me as a pulsating golden ball of light. It was just as real as my heart, or any other organ in my body. In the glory of this light, I recognize you as the universe. Your eyes the gateway to several galaxies, your cells holding ancient wisdom. And you see that in me.
I see you. Your pain marked by scars. I allow them to breathe. I honor them for therein also lies your purpose and gift unto the world. And you see that in me.
Divine Union is a fierce, inevitable charge of two energies coming together to create. Heaven on Earth.
But, some people did not want Heaven on Earth. They decided that the golden ball of light must be destroyed. They warped it, denigrated it, twisted it, and tossed it. To make us forget the hurt of their trick, they made seedy, florescent lights. We were so hungry for any light at all, so weak from losing so much, that we followed the artificial light and it would burn us and we liked it.
And the burn whispered each time, “To love is to sacrifice.”
And then, when I saw a man in pain, I kissed his pain and was overcome by my desire to heal him. He was still in love with someone else he said. The one that broke his heart.
I can wait. I can wait for you forever. To love is to sacrifice.
He had warned me not to lose my virginity to him. It shouldn’t be him, he told me, basking in his self-loathing. I felt so ridiculous, as old as I was and still a virgin. I wanted to lose IT. And yet, how can one lose their virginity? Is it like losing your car keys? Or a sock in the dryer? Where’s my virginity? Where did you go? Virginity, please come back.
Back then I was a fish wiggling on the shore and I yearned for the ocean. Please, stop pointing and laughing. Just put me in water.
Then I was drowning in his swamp.
I would dress up for him and play the whore simultaneously bleeding myself to give him life, like a good savior would. I could save him from himself.
He’d come at midnight and slip away at first morning’s light. I let him because I thought that’s what love was. He said I was being manipulative when I entwined my legs with his to prevent him from leaving my bed.
I was not manipulating him. I was manipulating myself into thinking I could separate sex from love.
I cannot separate sex from love.
You’d think it would be easy separating the two, living in a world of sex buddies and booty calls and friends with benefits. The division of sex and love is not just the norm. It is lauded. If you can master it, you are a free woman. I tried to trick myself into believing I was free. I twisted myself to fit the form.
Twisted like my great grandmothers and their mothers before who lived in a world where marriage meant survival, where you had to keep making babies because they said it was your job. If you were raped you better shut up about it because it was your fault anyway. It still is your fault anyway. Twist yourself up to survive. How lucky I was, not to be twisted in those ways, but to be twisted in mine.
And I could find love if I could make him love me. I could convince my body it was okay. But, the problem is the body always knows truth.
The moment I have sex is the moment my body marries yours. I am connected to you in the purest, deepest way.
But you still live in the world where mind is separate from body. You cannot understand I’ve just married you, right there in the bed. After sex you are suddenly repulsed by me and you don’t even know why.
It is because my cells still hold the golden light of divine union. I remember. You are afraid because your own golden light has been sparked. But, you’d rather not be afraid. You’d rather keep things status quo while my heart shatters.
The time of Divine Union is here. I know because I am here. No more martyrdom. No more seedy lights. I am made of love for love.
And so, I hold many, many wedding ceremonies. I marry the energies within. I marry shame and grace. I marry sadness and hope. I marry self-destruction and worthiness. I marry fear and love.
Then, I bow to God. Many times I have fallen. Each time He takes me in his arms. I ask Him to enter me. He takes me again and again and again. And that is how I have become a sexy nun.